Week 2: The Modified Artist

It was a last-minute entry to the e-poll, thrown in by conceptual beard artist, SullyBiz. It garnered the hearts of the people throughout voting. It jumped to a steady lead and stayed there until the polls closed. It is THE ARTIST.

Being the people's favorite, this style couldn't be ignored. However, support for the Hulihee was quite strong at the beard summit. Going from one to the other is impossible...unless modifications are made. That is how we landed on the Artist minus the chin.

This style took the most grooming expertise and necessitated lines drawn on my face to achieve proper cuts. Enjoy this representative pic.


After all the drawing, pulling, prodding, trimming, shaving, razing and shenanigans, the modified artist has been born. Witness the dawn of Week 2 of Beard Month in true mug shot fashion.

Day 7: The Modified Artist

I expect several comments from my co-workers tomorrow. Stay tuned for them or add your own below.

The Hulihee: Further Evidence

Day 3: The Hulihee


Day 4: The Hulihee

I honestly wish there were more to say about the hulihee. Though it has a ridiculous name, this style appears to actually be viable post-beard month. Many co-workers commented that I was "pulling it off" last week. Truth be told, there isn't much to this style, aside from shaving the chin. Speaking of, my chin has been really cold for the past week. Weird.

Up next...THE MODIFIED ARTIST!

The Recession (an artist's rendering)

For the curious, here's an artist's representation, courtesy of Sullybiz, of the style that has been chosen for Week #3.

Why I put the fate of my facial hair in the hands of others is currently a mystery to me. This one will be a true challenge. Like I said, I'll try dutifully to stick to the schedule but the Recession may be my undoing. It remains to be seen...

The Beard Schedule

The beard summit was an event long ago written in the stars. It was a time of destiny, of joy and despair. It has come and gone, leaving in its wake a schedule of beards for me to wear over the next month. With no further fanfare, here are the weekly beard results...

Week 1: The Hulihee
- Simple and dignified, this fine style has kicked off the beginning of an era.

Week 2: The Modified Artist (no chin)
- By tweaking the artist, it was possible to have it follow the Hulihee

Week 3: The Recession (artist's rendering pending)
- A style wholly created by the committee, it looks like the stockmarket downturn drawn across my face in beard form.

Week 4: Mustache Week (Half-handlebar/the Chevron/the GG)
- Instead of ending on one style, the committee decided to go out with a bang and try several different mustaches for the final week.

You'll notice that the 2 favorites managed to make the schedule in some form. There was also quite a call for asymmetry from yesterdays crowd and I managed to control some of that damage. Still, you'll notice the recession. That week will certainly be the most difficult one to get through. To be honest, I'm not sure I have the iron will to keep the style for a full 7 days but I'll make a solid effort to abide by the decisions of the committee.

Thanks all for voting, keep checking back for daily pictures and commentary of beard shenanigans. See you tomorrow!

Just kidding.

There's no way I can end this post with anything except a picture of me with a Hulihee.

Day 1: The Hulihee

There were precious few comments made about the beard today. The most notable was from a co-worker: "You look like you should have a Miller High Life in your hand and a cigarette in your mouth at all times."

Foreshadowing: B-Day Approaches

Continue casting votes using the e-poll to the right!

Beard Day, the day of shaving has been chosen. This Monday, Monday, Monday is when razor will meet beard. Alcohol will be provided and the committee will convene to determine the beard schedule for the next month. My facial hair fate is in their hands and yours.

In addition to declaring Monday, Sep 21st B-Day, I'd like to take this opportunity to address some frequently asked questions.

1. What if there's a problem with the sequence of beards from the poll? You can't very well go from the Artist into the Hulihee, now can you?
It's true, only a miracle would allow me to transition from certain styles to others. That's why it will be the duty of the drunken committee to account for sequence. Alcohol will surely help them make pointed, logical decisions.

On B-Day, the poll results will be taken into account by the committee but they are ultimately responsible for providing a realistic beard schedule.

2. Do you have the tools and talent to tackle the Artist? Do you have the wax to create a proper Handlebar Mustache?
Sadly, I've never achieved my lifelong dream of becoming a trained and certified barber. Nor do I have a natural ability for beard maintenance. If anything, I'd place myself solidly in the 50th percentile of men when it comes to beard grooming skills.

I never said that following a popular beard schedule would be easy. It may mean purchasing a beard trimmer and searching the interwebs for advice on facial hair waxes, combs and shaving techniques. This is all part of the challenge that I'm willing to take on in order to satisfy the will of the people.

3. Who put you up to this?
This was my own idea. Seriously.

Keep voting and get ready for pics and videos to accompany the upcoming shaving shenanigans.

Monday, September 21st IS B-DAY!

The biggest decision of this young century...

Vote for your favorite beard using the e-poll on the right!

That's right, the time has come. The fate of my facial grooming habits will no longer be decided by me alone. The masses will decide what's best, worst and/or most ridiculous for me. Step up to the virtual ballot box and cast your vote.

What are you voting for? Only the facial hair styling that you'd most like to see on my gorgeous, pasty, freckled face. Your vote will be taken into account when the alcohol-fueled committee convenes to determine the fate of my beard over the course of a month (Remember, 4 styles will be chosen and I'll wear each of them for one week).

A rendering of each style of beard has been provided by SullyBiz. Check out the Warhol-style image below (click on it for a larger version) for 20 different beards, goatees, mustaches and sideburns. Pick out your favorite and vote! Then get excited for the forthcoming pics that will result!

Will I be Mutton Chop Matt? Perhaps a thin mustache is in the cards! Maybe a thick one! Who knows, perhaps I'll end up wearing the hulihee and racing a balloon around the world!

Cast your vote, be a very large part of a very small part of history.

The first rule of Matt's beard is...

It's now time to list the rules that will govern the process of determining the 4 week facial hair schedule.

1. The schedule will be determined by a group of drunks in my apartment. I will be part of this group but will have no exclusive veto power. A poll to be posted on this blog with different beard styles will be taken into account but will not be binding. The schedule will not be determined by decrees from God (though if anyone has a theory as to why s/he would have an interest in my facial hair, I'm very, very curious).

2. All styles of facial hair will be valid with two exceptions, listed below.

Exception the First - The Hitler 'stache
This style is iconic in such a way that it cannot be divorced from the memory of the man who made it famous. It's disrespectful and silly looking. I won't wear it.

Exception the Second - Words Shaved Into the Beard
Aside from a lack of both equipment and skill to pull this style off, I do need to maintain a certain amount of professionalism in my appearance. Yes, I'm aware that the dude who typed that sentance works at a video game company.

Those are the rules. Next up, artist renderings of new and different facial hair on my face and a poll on this very blog.